Alright, I installed Ubuntu 11.10 (aka "lost all common sense" edition) on a new computer, so I have the memory of trying to make it bearable still in my head. The absolute necessary first thing to do is:
And set your login session to "Gnome fallback". This gives you a passable facsimile of Gnome 2 (aka "worked and was not useless" edition). I am a little... offended is to strong, but miffed that "fallback" means "what to use if you want to get work done and are not, in fact, a hipster," but whatever.